:spam: vt. [from "Monty Python's Flying Circus"] 1. To
crash a program by overrunning a fixed-size buffer with excessively
large input data. See also {buffer overflow}, {overrun
screw}, {smash the stack}. 2. To cause a newsgroup to be
flooded with irrelevant or inappropriate messages. You can spam a
newsgroup with as little as one well- (or ill-) planned message
(e.g. asking "What do you think of abortion?" on soc.women).
This is often done with {cross-post}ing (e.g. any message which
is crossposted to alt.rush-limbaugh and
alt.politics.homosexuality will almost inevitably spam both
groups).
The second definition has become much more prevalent as the
Internet has opened up to non-techies, and to many Usenetters it is
probably now (1995) primary.
Scene: A cafe. One table is occupied by a group of Vikings with horned
helmets on. A man and his wife enter.
Man (Eric Idle): You sit here, dear.
Wife (Graham Chapman in drag): All right.
Man (to Waitress): Morning!
Waitress (Terry Jones, in drag as a bit of a rat-bag): Morning!
Man: Well, what've you got?
Waitress: Well, there's egg and bacon; egg sausage and bacon; egg and spam;
egg bacon and spam; egg bacon sausage and spam; spam bacon sausage
and spam; spam egg spam spam bacon and spam; spam sausage spam spam
bacon spam tomato and spam;
Vikings (starting to chant): Spam spam spam spam...
Waitress: ...spam spam spam egg and spam; spam spam spam spam spam spam baked
beans spam spam spam...
Vikings (singing): Spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam!
Waitress: ...or Lobster Thermidor a Crevette with a mornay sauce served in a
Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with
truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam.
Wife: Have you got anything without spam?
Waitress: Well, there's spam egg sausage and spam, that's not got much spam in it.
Wife: I don't want ANY spam!
Man: Why can't she have egg bacon spam and sausage?
Wife: THAT'S got spam in it!
Man: Hasn't got as much spam in it as spam egg sausage and spam, has it?
Vikings: Spam spam spam spam (crescendo through next few lines)
Wife: Could you do the egg bacon spam and sausage without the spam then?
Waitress: Urgghh!
Wife: What do you mean 'Urgghh'? I don't like spam!
Vikings: Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!)
Waitress: Shut up!
Vikings: Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!
Waitress: Shut up! (Vikings stop) Bloody Vikings! You can't have egg bacon
spam and sausage without the spam.
Wife (shrieks): I don't like spam!
Man: Sshh, dear, don't cause a fuss. I'll have your spam. I love it.
I'm having spam spam spam spam spam spam spam baked beans spam spam
spam and spam!
Vikings (singing): Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful spam!
Waitress: Shut up!! Baked beans are off.
Man: Well could I have her spam instead of the baked beans then?
Waitress: You mean spam spam spam spam spam spam... (but it is too late and
the Vikings drown her words)
Vikings (singing elaborately): Spam spam spam spam. Lovely spam! Wonderful
spam! Spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam spa-a-a-a-a-am spam. Lovely spam!
Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Lovely spam! Spam spam
spam spam!
"Encouraged by the success of its poor man's dishes, Hormel & Co. introduced an economical pork loaf in 1937. The canned meat ran into a major problem before it even got to market, however, when the U.S. government would not allow the company to call it ham, because it was made from pork shoulder instead of the hindquarters.
"In an effort to come up with a substitute name for the humble luncheon meat, Princeton-educated Jay Hormel turned to his country-club circle of friends. The younger Hormel threw a party at his 170-acre Austin estate and asked guests to 'pay' for cocktails by suggesting a name for the new product every time they ordered a drink. 'Along about the third or fourth drink they began showing some imagination,' the executive later recalled. It was Kenneth Daigneau, a visiting New York radio actor who suggested the name that was eventually chosen -- Spam.
"Like its predecessors, inexpensive Spam found a ready market in depression America. Sales of the proletarian pork dish were greatly aided by an advertising campaign featuring George Burns and Gracie Allen, which urged people to try a "Spamwich" or "Spambled eggs" for an economical lunch."
SPAM, SPAM a wonderful food, It looks like it's already been chewed. If it once was alive, I hope it's not now. Maybe I'll feed it to my cow. And if my cow dies, Then I'll know, That SPAM is not the way to go.
Oh SPAM(tm)! Oh SPAM(tm)! Gourmet delight! My food by day, my dreams by night. To carve, to slice, to dice you up - pureed in a blender and sipped from a cup. What shining deity from Olympus knelt down to the earth and hog butt smelt? Creating then man's eternal desire for swine entrails congealed by fire. On some corporate farm, a pig has died. Eyes, tongue, and snout end up inside that cube of SPAM(tm) hidden in the can I now hold in my trembling hand. More than mere food, SPAM(tm) is for me a hedonistic expression of gluttonous glee. Mottled with pork fat, the pink cube engrosses. My mouth takes it in, my intestine disposes. Long have my arteries clogged to the sound of sizzling SPAM(tm) when there's no one around - furtively chewing or swallowing whole. Triple bypass by forty, my medical goal. Other processed meat products I've tried or declined Vienna Sausages, Treet, even pig's feet in brine. Though each may be tasty in different ways, none matches SPAM(tm) for gelatinous glaze. That glistening pinkness beckons me with gristle, fat, and BHT. Oh SPAM(tm), my SPAM(tm) - the taste, the smell! The sacred meat product, from Hormel.
Oh, Spam With the clear Jelly floating on the top you need no can opener four varieties including SPAM LITE Spam Maps spelled backwards green eggs and spam who can? Spam can. Who can resist? drool drool spam spam Mr Spamman Bring me a dread Make it the saltiest you've ever seen. Lynn belches from Spam Spam, wonderful spam Art thou real Oh, spam Spamio, oh spamio, wherefore art thou spamio Spam is the east Spam is the sun Oh, that I were spam that I could touch that spam Dang it! Chuck! Did we ask you? butting your spam into our spam dreams dream of spam Jingle Spam oh what fun It is to play in spam all day Robin laid some spam squish it round squish it round I like spam You like spam let's all play In spam Double mocha spam latte Spam milkshake Double bacon spam burger with cheese Dangit Jim, I'm a doctor, not spam. These are the days of our Spam Dangit CHUCK!
Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed
Poor white trash, kinda crazy in the head
Then one day as he was shootin, at some food
Up from the ground came those cans of blue
Spam that is
Pink and sweet
Mystery Meat
Well the next thing you know, he could feed the whole clan
When out of the woods popped a Hormel man
He said Spamabama is the place you oughta' be
So they loaded up the truck but only got to Antrey
Hill folks that is
Make you squeal!!!
Bubba ville!!!
Well now it's time to say goodbye to Jed and all his clan
And they would like to thank you folks for chockin'down that Spam
Your all invited back 'ere morn to this localaty
To take a shot and see if ya got a case of dispepsy
Gas pain that is!!!
Indegestion
Moan and groan
Get the Rolaids !! Ya hear?!
Pink acres is the place to be Hog heaven it's the life for me Pull tabs spreadin' out so far and wide Keep that blue can gimme what's hidden inside The meat...Too sweet...The gel...That smell!! Some like it fried !!! Goodbye Kosher diet!!! Pink acres we are there...
haiku (hi'koo) An unrhymed Japanese lyric poem having a fixed 3-line
17-syllable form.
spam (spam) (undefined in Websters: possibly undefinable)
Clad in metal, proud No mere salt-curing for you You are not bacon And who dares mock Spam? You? you? you are not worthy Of one rich pink fleck Silent, former pig One communal awareness Myriad pink bricks Twist, pull the sharp lid Jerks and cuts me deeply but Spam, aah, my poultice Can of metal, slick Soft center, so cool, moistening I yearn for your salt Blue can of steel What promise do you hold? Salt flesh so ripe Grotesque pinkish mass In a blue can on a shelf Quivering alone Like some spongy rock A granite, my piece of Spam In sunlight on my plate Oh Argentina! Your little tin of meat soars Above the pampas The color of Spam is natural as the sky: A block of sunrise Little slab of meat In a wash of clear jelly Now I heat the pan Oh tin of pink meat I ponder what you may be: Snout or ear or feet? In the cool morning I fry up a slab of Spam A dog barks next door Slicing your sweet self Salivating in suspense Sizzle, sizzle..Spam Pink beefy temptress I can no longer remain Vegetarian Cold, Pink, gelatinous mass, The potted meat for which I crave, Warns of impending earthquake. Ears, snouts and innards, A homogeneous mass. Pass another slice. Pink tender morsel, Glistening with salty gel. What the hell is it? Cube of cold pinkness Yellow specks of porcine fat. Give me a spork please. Old man seeks doctor. "I eat SPAM daily", he says. Angioplasty. Delighted! I am flattered And overwhelmed to Pink. Watch the pink slab fry Its grease can lubricate eggs Get ketchup ready Spam on Wonder bread He's allergic to sulfites Hives come after lunch Pressed, the cold slice soothes Eye, a black-and-blue shiner Spam, what useful stuff Highly unnatural, The tortured shape of this "food". A small pink coffin. Parts of pigs o' plenty. Sumptuous feet and tails, Rub amber gel through hair. You don't want to know, What they put in that tin can It's scary to think. Drop a pig in a blender, Add salt and dye: The recipe for Spam. Have you ever lost anything It's in that one little can, Of Spam. In the same manner as we, lick envelopes to seal them, cows lick Spam. Did you ever wonder, Where rats go when they die? Spam knows where they go.
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SPAM IM THE GREAT "SPAM IN" It's time we did something about the amount of Spam in America! We are all sick and tired of store shelves loaded with cheap cans of Spam that are taking up space that could contain edible foods. There are literally millions of excess cans of Spam in stores everywhere. Know what I found out? If there was just ONE day when everybody bought one can of Spam, the entire stock of Spam would be depleted. It would take years to restock all the Spam in America. The so-called Spam cartel has decided to increase production by some 2 million tins per day in order to drive all other products from convenience store shelves. I have decided to see how many Americans we can get to BUY SPAM on one particular day! Let's have a SPAM IN! Do not buy any gasoline on APRIL 30, 1999!!!!! Instead, go to the gas station mini mart and buy a can of Spam. Wanna help? Send this message to everyone you know. Ask them to do the same. All we need is a few million to participate in order to make a difference. > Subject: FW: Gas Price Protest! > > Hey it's worth a try, after all, what do we have to lose? > > GAS OUT > > THE GREAT "GAS OUT" It's time we did something about the price of gasoline > in America! We are all sick and tired of high prices when there are > literally millions of gallons in storage. > > Know what I found out? If there was just ONE day when no one purchased any > gasoline, prices would drop drastically. The so-called oil cartel has > decided to slow production by some 2 million barrels per day to drive up > the price. > > I have decided to see how many Americans we can get to NOT BUY ANY GASOLINE > on one particular day! Let's have a GAS OUT! Do not buy any gasoline on > APRIL 30, 1999!!!!! Buy on Thursday before, or Saturday after. Do not buy > any gasoline on FRIDAY, APRIL 30, 1999. > > Wanna help? Send this message to everyone you know. Ask them to do the > same. All we need is a few million to participate in order to make a > difference.
In italics above the headline: Is it food? No, it's Spam and it's the
culinary version of Kryptonite.
A Taste of the Islands
With all the serious events around us, I almost forgot to tell you about
my Amazing Adventures With Spam. You know Spam. Faster than a squealing
pig. More sodium than bovine salt lick. Able to leap out of cans on a
single bound. Look up on the rack. Is it food? Is it dog food? No, it's
Spam!
I encountered this culinary version of Kryptonite in a most unexpected
manner. I was on spring vacation in Hawaii. We went to Hamamura Saimin
Stand on Kauai. Saimin is a noodles-in-broth dish. A tour book said of
Hamamrua:
"Locals have sung the praises of this beloved Kauai institution and
gobbled up its saimin for as long as anybody can remember...you're in
for a great taste treat as well as one of the cheapest mesls on Kauai."
The Saimin was good. Lots of vegetables were mixed in. Then it dawned on
me. What were those strips of pale pink meat with the white spots in
there? I had not let such a sight touch my lips since around the age of
12, when I overdosed on Spam and started frying Oscar Mayer bologna in
Crisco.
I asked the chef to confirm my suspicions. She gave me a wry smile that
said, "So you were expecting prime rib?" She said it was Spam. I thought
I had died and went to politically incorrect hell.
It has nothing to do with religion or being on a macrobiotic diet. I
have certainly eaten - in moderation, of course - other trash meats.
It's just that for a quarter-centruy I could look at Spam on grocery
store shelves, turn up my nose and praise myself for being too cultured
to purchase such a low-class food.
But now the spell was broken. Two days later I stepped into a diner.
There were these delectable looking sushi rolls laid out on the checkout
counter.
It did not occur to me that something must be wrong. Normally, sushi and
its cousins are seaweed and sticky rice wrapped around or topped by raw
fish. There was no refrigerator in sight. It was 80 degrees. The rolls
had been lying there for several hours. But they looked sooo good. And
they were sooo cheap. A buck-fifty. Not having a clue what was inside, I
bought one.
My teeth cut through the seaweed and descended through the rice. Then I
hit the core. Spam again!
A few days later, we were at a Hawaiian brunch buffet. Guess what you
could have in scrambled eggs? Guess what appeared in fried rice? It was
not strips of prime rib. By now, we figured there must be a history to
Spam on Hawaii.
Spam was prime meat for soldiers and civilians in Hawaii in World War
II. After the war, Spam remained popular because of the high cost of
fresh meat on the islands. Hawaii is the leading per-capita consumer of
Spam in the US. The Hawaii Spam Cookbook says Spam is "Hawaii's soul
food."
Maili Yardley, a long-time food columnist on Kauai, read to me some of
the recipes out of the Spam cookbook. There were recipes for Spam in
omelettes and in cole slaw, and for roasting it, pig-style, in a
charcoal pit. You can make Spam and beans, Spam and eggplant, Spam and
popping peas, Spam and Spam fried rice, and Spam and Japanese radish
fermented in a syrupy sauce.
There was Spam Quiche. Yardley has eaten it. Even though the combination
of eggs, cheese and Spam sounds like a heart surgeons' delight, Yardley
said, "It's delicious."
There was also Sweet and Sour Tofu and Spam. This must be blasphemous to
the organic brown rice crowd. "We use Spam for everything, even as a
substitute for a tuna fish sandwich," Yardley said. "Have you put Spam
with orange cheese and toast in the broiler? Or with cream sauce and
macaroni?"
"You should see the supermarket when Spam is on special," Yardley said.
"Housewives fill up their shopping carts with it."
I left Hawaii before the Spam special. Having had this unexpected
debauch, I am quite ready to go another quarter-century without a single
bite of the stuff. But I dared not say that out loud in Hawaii. When I
discussed Spam with the caretaker of our campground in Kauai, his eyes
lit up.
They were the kind of eyes you would expect for prime rib.
I found the cookbook at my mother-in-law's place. The cookbook is called Hawaii's Spam Cookbook by Ann Kondo Corum. Copyright 1987. Used with absolutely no permission whatsoever. Her preface does say to pass around these recipes, so I am!!!
At the time, it sold for $7.50 each. I guess you could write to
BESS PRESS P O BOX 22388 HONOLULU, HI 96822
> Dear Dr. Science, > > I have a hole in my wooden shoe. How can I repair it? > > Leon Loozen, Leemstede, HollandAlthough your ancestors got along fine using earwax to repair holes in wooden shoes, most people nowadays use spam. The portion of the can left over after filling in that hole can be fried for breakfast. Unlike earwax, it doesn't take spam weeks to harden, and it emits a pleasant odor when wet. As you've probably noticed, much of Holland is below sea level and those perpetually leaky dikes made waterproof shoes all the more important. Thanks to the internet, I'm getting a lot more questions from abroad and, let me tell you, it's nice to know that Yankee know-how is prized all over the world.
> Dear Dr. Science, > > What exactly is that clear jelly around Spam? > > LeMatthew C. Bohne from Milan, OHWhen Spam reaches a certain phase of development, it sheds its old skin, and grows a new one. This roughly corresponds to the human phase we call "adolescence." Older Spam sometimes suffers from hair loss and wrinkling. This is not to denigrate the integrity or value of the Spam in question. Many people prefer bald, wrinkled Spam, saying it has character. You should always discard the clear jelly before using Spam, although I've found that if I set it aside and wash it with a sodium hydroxide, it makes a dandy floor polish. I tried it on my car, but the next morning I found every cat in my neighborhood licking it and, before the day was done, I had to get a new paint job. Thanks Earl Schweib!
As a matter of fact we are celebrating the 20th annual SPAMARAMA here on march 28th. I am proud to say that I have retained the title of {WORST OF TASTE} since 1994 This is considered by many to be the most coveted award of the entire festival. If chances happen that you find yourself in Texas at this time of year, you owe it to yourself to attend, then you too can sample some of my famous dishes such as SPAMALAMADINGDONGS the cream filled chocolate covered dessert cake. Or SPAMUEL ADDAMS AUSTIN HOGGER a Somewhat Pig-quliar Amber Malt. Or Jurasick Pork Parts Too (don't ask).
This years entry will be VITTLES ala Squellbillies complete with an acting troupe and a whole meal featuring spam or Spam byproducts in every course. If you can't make it write and I'll send you details of this years results. So long for now (and don't believe them when they say Austin is in Minnesota).
Kevin the horrible
p.s. Watch out for Spamthrax in your general direction
Dave "Black Pudding-its a tube of blood & fat" Skelton.
May the SPAM be with you, Obi-Spam Kenobi!
(and another sent to me on 96-07-18)
Out of interest, I was in a deli the other day and whilst browsing through the products, a battalion of Spam tins jumped out at me from the shelves. The tasteful cheap labelling on the tins with loud garish colors gets those consumers every time.
SPAM- That wonderful product that originates in the fields of Argentina and ends up on plates the world over. Let us praise the Gods of Processed Meats - Sausage, Burger, Pie, Frankfurter, Black Pudding, Kabanos and of course the Almighty Spam. Worshipped since ancient times and now made in their own image.
Laura
Elaine
SPALMON!
Took first place for that dish.
Dr. Fred Luiszer
Boulder, Colorado
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