OPTICAL Humor

Overview

Every once in a while a relevant funny cartoon, joke, or image comes across the desks of those of us here at the OPTICAL project. We've put these online for you to enjoy.

Honey, what's your best-corrected visual acuity?

"I have such poor vision I can date anybody."
--Garry Shandling

Turn your head and cough...

(author unknown) I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began,

"Cover your right eye with your hand."

He read the 20/20 line perfectly.

"Now your left."

Again, a flawless read.

"Now both," I requested.

There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

Excuse me, sir, there's a fly in my lens

Q: What happened to the eye-clinician who fell into his lens-grinding machine?

A: He made a spectacle of himself.

Actual sign seen at an optometrist's office

"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

I heard he also thought he was wearing a prophylactic

(True story) A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered that the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea.

Cruelty-free humor

Extract from a customer complaint letter sent to The Body Shop:

I recently shampooed my pet rabbit with Body Shop shampoo. Its eyes bulged out and turned red. If you tested your stuff on animals like everyone else, this sort of thing wouldn't happen...

Good thing he didn't listen to the White Album

Merrian, Kan. (AP), week of 96-08-28

A man who thought he saw a pentagram in the iris of his right eyeball popped it out of his head, used a knife to cut the connecting tendons and flushed it down the toilet, police said.

The 26-year-old man, who was not identified, told authorities he looked in the mirror Sunday evening and saw the pentagram, a five pointed star commonly associated with the occult.

The man told police he had to remove the eyeball because he couldn't remove the pentagram.

"The paramedics said his eye looked puffy and red. It just looked like somebody punched him," said police Lt. Bill Lietzke. "But they opened up the eyelid and pointed a flashlight in there and his eyeball was gone."

WWW Maven: Dan Garcia (ddgarcia@cs.berkeley.edu)

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